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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Rebellion in the zoo 3

So I did a vanity search, not in the mirror, mind you, but on the best of all nets, the internet, by looking for Guirilandia*.

From Frikipedia’s entry on Guirilandia (my translation follows):

Guirilandia

Country with absolute monarchy, formerly known as the United Kingdom, governed by queen Isabelita II. Since the former German country is inhabited in its majority by guiris, this country has been incorporated into the lands of Guirilandia. In the year 1950, the hegemony of this empire began, creating the all-powerful Guiri Army of Tourists. These invaded and conquered large areas, converting them into Colonies of Guirilandia. Among the conquered territories are:

The entire Costa del Sol, including Marbella, Malaga and the regional economic superpower, Ronda.

Canary islands and Balearic islands

The entire Costa Blanca

They are beginning to send sectors of their elite army to Galicia and the north of Spain, but they have encountered strong resistance in this region of the peninsula. Madrid will soon fall into the hands of the invading army, but thanks to the inexistence of beaches in Madrid, the tourist army of Guirilandia is not that interested in this central part of the peninsula. The situation in Portugal is unknown.

Guirilandia has begun exporting products from its colonies back to its queen, for example la Paella Valenciana and cheap Spanish beer.

Guirilandia has grand ambitions. In the first place, it wants to extend its moreno centollo** across the whole world, beginning with Spain, but without having achieved definitive victory.

(see the video documentation I have encountered in my research here and here - real footage shot by guerilla forces of the Fauna Ibérica)

§

The definition of guiri lists certain “peculiarities”. Quite illuminating:

They usually buy sombreros in the souvenir shops, typical Spanish product, por excelencia.

Because their skin is extremely sensible and is prone to reddening (a product, without a doubt, of the sun which revolves around their own world [this must refer to one genus of guiri, the guiri solipsisus), they frequently wear sandals with socks as if it was totally normal, for the pleasure of the natives.

They have bodily appendages commonly called photo cameras, which are in the habit of photographing the most monumental nonsense or the most nonsensical monuments like broken streetlights, local clothing, crap in the middle of the sidewalk, etc.

They are naive and tend to fall in the clutches of juvenile delinquents.

They are accustomed to going to the beach to sunbathe without sunscreen (something that any mortal with a well-ordered head does, which supports the theory that guiris are from another, parallel universe), something that the experts call “shrimp effect” or even “lobster effect”

They accompany paella with Coca-cola, which they curiously denominate Coke.

They are known for their capacity to avoid learning the languages of the countries they visit, although they are capable of obligating any human being (imbecile and/or half-imbecile) to speak English even if they haven’t any knowledge of this language.

They create communities of like minded folk in large regions of the world, standing out among them are Cancún, Polynesia, Italy, the Costa Brava and the Greek islands. In some cases (especially on the Costa Brava), a rich guiri magnate buys a town or an urbanization and populates it with guiris from his or her own world. These towns are only inhabited in the summer, and there they go on binges and throw house parties that are attended by famous personalities of the country, like Pocholo, Yola Berrocal or Nacho Vidal.

[…]

Due to their ignorance of the normal economic system and their insistence on using foreign currency, the wise sellers and shopkeepers of the countries being visited, above all in the Costa Brava and Barcelona, sell them crappy things and useless objects at the price of gold. They think that in this country we are all bullfighters, that we subsist on wine and paellas, that we dance sevillanas and sing flamenco, and that we are incredibly funny [I have know idea, really, what llevamos curras hasta la rodilla means].

§

Not enough? The Efecto Guiri:

Said of the gravitational attraction between the English (or any other super rich blonde of Anglo-Saxon origin) and the Spanish (or any other smart ass in need of money).

Origins

This phenomenon originated back in the 17th century, when the English, on board ferries, arrived on the Iberian peninsula and invaded the beaches like madmen, greasing themselves with necessary creams and sweeteners[?] to maintain their artificial color. The English dedicated themselves to walking the streets with their shopping carts [I think that’s what they meant by carratillas], while the Spanish observed them thinking about a way to make it to the end of the month.

While the English laughed their asses off doing the Corte Ingles [English Court, a department store], the ibéricos constructed little houses of wood and put sea water in barrels where they put fizzy soda. This is how the renowned business of the Chiringuitero*** started.

The English, attracted to the smell of something new, arrived en masse to the chiringuitos where they ordered huge amounts of fizzy soda to refresh their heads.

Then Super López appeared with his super cape […] and he set about going from table to table asking for a 2€ guiri tax. The English, fascinated by the enormous fluency of this chap and because his cape had the logo of Corte Ingles, accepted. From this moment they had earned the honorable title of guiri.

[…]

Important drinks for guiris:

Whiskey, vodka (black if it is available), beer, and the other varieties.

_

* I think I might have been one of the first to start using the term guirilandia, though admittedly I did not invent it. I stumbled across it while perusing LaRousse’s Gran Diccionario del Argot. I used the term on people and many claimed to have never heard of it, but admitted that it sounded like a plausible Spanish word. Now guirilandia is used more and more in newspapers, on the net, in everyday conversations. I really don’t have huge amounts of traffic, nothing that would merit me the title of “influencer”, but there is a curious and seemingly causal connection. It started with my short movie, and continued with this blog. The whole intention was twofold: to have a medium in which to tell stories, and also to expropriate the derogatory term guiri and make it my own.

I would like to add that should anybody want to buy the rights to guirilandia.net for 300,000 euros, or the average price of a 50 square meter apartment in Barcelona, you can contact me here: helpguirilandia@gmail.com . As a bonus, I will personally write a 5,000 word essay or short story on any subject you like. Thank you.

For more info, check out my article on the etymology of the word guiri on barcelonareporter.com

On a further note, I was also privy to the Guirilandia Statute of Autonomy, purportedly drafted by radical guiris romanticizing an unrealizable ideal form of perfect guiridom. This is a reactionary movement instigated by a few disgruntled tourists with decidedly undemocratic and populistic tendencies. Albeit, I think they have "good" intentions. But that can be said about anything before the proverbial last words “it seemed like a good idea … at first”.

** moreno centollo – somewhat of a misnomer, it literally means “lobster brown” or “lobster tan”. There is an English equivalent, “red like a lobster”, as in being embarrassed or, more appropriately in this case, badly sunburnt. The moreno centollo is the bane and stigma of guiridom.

*** chiringuito – open air bar. In Barcelona they’re found on the beaches. They serve overpriced drinks and sometimes feature dj so-and-so playing a variety of house music. They are a last resort, infested by fresh-off-the-boat guiris.