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Monday, June 19, 2006

5am , somewhere in Guirilandia

“Cállate! Gilipollas! Dame las llaves!”
“Shut up! Idiot! Give me the keys!”

“Déjeme explicar!!!! Por favor!”
“Let me explain!!!! Please!”

“Cállate maricón de mierda!”
“Shut up you fucking faggot!

I go to the window, unable to sleep anymore, just in time to see my neighbor land a right hook on some kid’s nose. Thwap.

“Estoy sangrando. Estoy sangrando.”
“I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding.”

“Cállate! Dame las llaves!!!”
“Shut up! Give me the keys!!!”

The guy is about to swing again when the other guy - crying and bleeding from his busted nose - tosses the keys in question to him. My neighbor walks back to his ground-floor apartment. I don't know what happened to the other guy.

Things quiet down for about ten minutes. I’m back in bed when the lady across the street, right above the bodega yells out:

“Que te intentan robar! Que te intentan robar!”
“They’re trying to rob you! They’re trying to rob you!”

This lady. I call her La Guardia, because she’s always the first person looking out her window when anything is going down.

A guy can’t turn his car in the narrow alleyway: out comes La Guardia to give confused directions from her perch two stories up.

A few summers ago a girl would fuck really loud, two or three times a day. The whole neighborhood could hear her moaning. La Guardia, furious, would come to her window and yell, “Eres un teatro!!!! Eres un teatro!!!!”

This occasion wasn’t quite as salacious, but just as scandalous.

So La Guardia goes:

“Que te intentan robar! Hay dos moritos haciendo la palanca para entrar en un piso de la primera planta! Hay dos …. uuupps igual mejor no decirlo … hay dos de este aspecto subiendo a tu piso!”

“They’re trying to rob you. There are two moritos [Spanish argot for Moroccans] trying to get into the first floor apartment [by one leveraging himself on the other’s shoulders]. There are two ….. ooops better not to say it … there two of those with that look climbing up to your apartment!”

She calls the Mossos, Clos’s boys in blue. La Guardia speaks loud enough for me and the rest of the neighbors to hear her entire conversation with the police.

She proceeds to tell them about the two guys trying to rob a place on the first floor of my building. One apparently already got in. Ladrones silenciosos in the center of Barcelona.

A few months ago they did the same thing and the Dutch couple who had been living there for 4 years, woke up and found several valuable possessions gone. Frightened, they left the apartment and the neighborhood a week later.

Could be a case for this guy, who claims to be Barcelona’s “premier guiri detective”. Larry Kovaks, P.I.